The kitchen walls are wallpapered. Oh, the soft violet, the eggshell cream bliss background. I've invited people over to come and look. I haven't said anything, of course; it's best if they notice it for themselves. The compliments are more genuine that way.
*****
John, Roberta, Marcus, Maya and Arthur came over for coffee and cake yesterday. No one said a thing about the wallpaper. Maya talked at length about her promotion, Arthur is in the midst of a midlife crisis and is therefore switching careers, and Roberta is pregnant again. Only Marcus commented on the decor -- on the drapes -- which are at least a year old.
"Your place is looking wonderful, Jennifer. I just love your taste. Are those new drapes?" he asked.
"Those old things? They're nothing really," I said. "We ought to replace them, if you want to know the truth," I said. I think I handled it fairly well.
"Roberta, I'm just so excited for you. I can't even imagine having a third! And I'm sure you'll lose the baby weight in no more than a couple of years," Maya said.
"I want to be fat and round like a goddess," Roberta said. "It's just that I've always been so conventionally attractive. You know, I saw a thing on Facebook that said -- get this -- 'Real women have curves.' And there was a picture of a fat woman doing yoga on the beach. I think there's something to that."
"You're so wise," said Maya.
I bit my lip.
"Are you bleeding?" Maya asked.
"No. It's regenerative lip color," I answered. I think I covered that pretty well.
So I think it's safe to say that coffee and cake was a bust. And, besides, John and Roberta bought a boat. How can I compete with that?
"Well that was a bust," I told Tim after they had left.
"What was? We served coffee and cake, the boys drank cognac, the girls drank liqueur; what went wrong?" he asked.
"Well, I think you know, " I said.
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do. You know perfectly well."
"Yeah, you're right," said Tim. "I wish they had commented on it, too."
*****
It was all too much. I just had to do something. Tim's bonus bought us a nice new sofa - a bargain at 15,000 dollars. It's white and very impressive.
Coffee and cake, round 2.
*****
"I even have this beautiful baby bump," said Roberta. "I'm that much closer to goddesshood."
"Has your sofa always been this comfortable, Jennifer?" asked Marcus.
"Well, actually, no, " I said, winking and nodding conspiratorially. Marcus looked at me like I'd told a joke he didn't get, but was chuckling along anyway.
"She's lying, Marcus," Maya said. "She's always been modest about these sorts of things. Jennifer, tell him that it's always been comfortable as fuck."
"It's been as comfortable as beep since I bought it," I said.
"There you go, Marcus. What did I tell you. This is Chateau de Jennifer and Tim: eternally comfortable. Consistent. Reliable."
"So, studying pedagogy is so much more rewarding than law," said Arthur. "I mean, I don't know why, at 20, I thought the paycheck was so important. It's the kids, man."
"It's new," I said. "It's a fucking new sofa from Italy."
"You were never one to swear, honey. Shame on you!" Maya said.
Roberta rubbed her belly and smiled. "Yeah, it's not good for tiny ears."
"Your baby doesn't have ears yet," Tim said. "Now, who wants cognac? Ladies, I trust that you want something a little sweeter."
"I'll take a shot of Everclear," I said.
